Thank You, 2020

I had meant to write something – anything – before we entered the new decade. Unfortunately, as each year rolled by, I was at a loss for words. Looking back at the rate that I was going with this blog, my updates have also been fluctuating.

But somehow, I was compelled to write out my innermost thoughts and reflections.

Perhaps it was the way 2020 had pushed me to the brink of existential crisis. Perhaps it was the way my self-esteem and motivation went downhill and I doubted myself for the things that I couldn’t achieve. Perhaps it was the way so many of us had lost our loved ones and had to adapt to drastic changes that disrupted our livelihood. I also very recently went through a major life change, which quite frankly, shattered my reality and left me devastated.

There were certainly days when I felt more positive and upbeat, but on days that were harder than most, I couldn’t sleep thinking about how I was going to face the next day.

Will I crumble or will I soldier on?

But through it all, I feel proud of myself for rising to the challenge. I feel proud for allowing myself to feel the intensity of my emotions and picking myself up. And I feel proud for seeing through even though it was initially hard to see the finish line.

Of course, there are still – and always will be – uncertainties where life would take me, but one thing for sure is that I know that I am loved by my family and friends. Day by day, I’m letting go while reaching out for the light that I know is there behind dark clouds and tall mountains ahead of me and within me.

Surrendering myself has never been so liberating.

I have also been practicing affirmations as of late. I find that it’s such a wonderful way to show love and tenderness to myself, like an intimate and quiet serenade that no one gets to see or hear but me.

I am enough. I am complete. I am loved. I am seen. And most of all, I am guided to where I am meant to be.

The journey towards healing will not be easy, but I’m going to do the best that I can to be better and be at peace with my new reality. One step at a time. I know this phase will subside and there will be nights when I’m most vulnerable, and that’s okay because I will be okay eventually.

Slowly yet surely, I find myself smiling at the little things in life that I enjoy – the ray of sunshine spilling through the curtain, the smell of coffee in the morning, the sound of jazz reverberating through the air, the lulling sound of raindrops on the rooftop.

There’s so much to love, learn and appreciate, and I’ve only experienced a small fraction of what this life has to offer.

So, here’s to a year of healing. Here’s to a year of finding peace and contentment within myself. Here’s to a year of growing with the flow. Here’s to a year of celebrating the little triumphs.

From the bottom of my heart, wishing everyone a Happy New Year filled with new hopes and new beginnings!